


my heart's missing pieces

by Anonymous



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M, Multi, One-Sided Attraction, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 08:13:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29881653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Even as he burns the only love letter he ever wrote, Taeyong's heart is left in flames.
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Kudos: 16
Collections: Anonymous





	my heart's missing pieces

_You make me weak. Whenever I look at you, my armor breaks down. Whenever you touch me, all I see is you. You could ram a knife through my heart, I wouldn’t feel it until your gaze let go of me._

_The problem?_

_I love control. I need it to function in this world and in my job. In this business, it’s all about who’s the better faker. Nobody wants an idol who is moody. People out there want distraction from their own misery. Your fake humor gets them that one half-hearted laugh a day. From a stranger they idolize and believe that the mask he wears is real. That the person they’re being shown is real._

_That’s the problem I face, Johnny. When you’re by my side, I can’t fake anything. Control slips from my hands, my heart turns soft, the protective ice melts. Love. No, it’s not love. Attraction. You’re a handsome, charming man. The kind who goes from mischievous brat to sexy panther in the blink of an eye. The kind that everyone secretly craves hooking up with, but figures he’ll never commit. One-night-stand - yes. Relationship - no, too much competition._

_Didn’t my fucking heart make a brilliant choice? Perfect. Because dating is strictly forbidden. Hookups in the storage room allowed, as long as it doesn’t entail pregnancy. We don’t have this risk - so, way to go!_

_Just kidding._

_This thing between us-_

_I’m such an idiot. It’s just me who thinks that way. You never mentioned with a word that we could be more than friends. I’m just selfish. I want to be loved. To be loved by you, preferably._

_But that will not happen. We’re buddies, Johnny. I need to stop deluding myself that I’m someone special to you, because I’m not. You’re as sweet to everyone as you are to me. You touch everyone as much as you touch me. You’ve never thought about what it feels like to kiss me, huh? But I have - I’ve imagined how your lips would feel, brushing against mine. The thought took my breath away and I’ve had to avoid you all day because my cheeks blushed whenever I saw you. So much for body control. My body is not subtle when it wants something. But I am._

_I hereby say goodbye to you and my feelings for you. I’m putting an end to the idea that we’ll ever take that critical step over the abyss. Friendship is at the top, relationship is at the bottom. A deep fall from a safe haven._

_You’ve worked hard to become an idol and I won’t stand in your way. I promise._

_I say it just once:_

_Johnny. I fucking love you._

_I have loved you for three years. But today I’m going to stop. So thank you for letting me love you. I finally felt alive again. The world got more exciting, more colorful, and I learned to be happier. You gave me something to look forward to every day. Every minute we spent together was the best part of the day._

_I love you._

_\- Taeyong._

*********************

Neatly, Taeyong folded the letter. White paper, red ink, romantic as he was. At least he hadn’t dipped a pen in his heart’s blood. He didn’t want to make the funeral of his feelings all that dramatic.

He glanced quickly at the door. It was locked. Good. The letter fell on his desk as he got up and took the scented candle from the closet. Jaehyun had given it to him for his birthday. Peach-vanilla scented. He had lit it once, a big mistake. All day at the recording studio, he’d been told he smelled like cotton candy.

“Good enough to bite into.” - Johnny’s remark. Taeyong had only cocked a brow and replied, “Try me.” Johnny’s eyes had been sparkling in a strange way. Dark, amused, and Taeyong had seen that Johnny was actually thinking about doing it. To try Taeyong. 

If Taeyong hadn’t known better, he would have taken that as a glimmer of hope. But Johnny flirted with everything under the sun. His flirtations had no value in finding out how he really felt about Taeyong. 

Taeyong’s facade fell when he was with Johnny. The other way around this wasn’t the case. So Taeyong didn’t let himself be guided by false clues. He registered them and put them on file in the chamber of his soul. The one called ‘unrequited love because I’m an idiot’. Everyone has one of those, would be lying if they didn’t. Tragic, but one lived with it.

He placed the candle on his desk and lit a match. The fire flared up and in the next moment Taeyong’s face was bathed in golden, warm candlelight. Shadows flickered across the sharp edges of his jaw and smoke stung his eyes. It was too early to cry, and even if he shed a tear - he had a backup plan. Chop onions and cook dinner for the others. Two birds with one stone, so to speak. He liked to do things pragmatically. Till he didn’t approach them pragmatically and wrote his feelings on a fucking piece of paper to burn them secretly and lonely in his room over a scented candle that made him smell like cotton candy. 

That was life, you had to work with what you had.

Trembling fingers reached for the letter. He hesitated. In fact, it felt like a final decision. 

A sigh slipped from the deepest corner of his chest and he lifted the paper into the fire. It blazed up again, crackling softly, and more smoke billowed into the air. 

Before he would betray his dramatic moment to the others by setting off the smoke alarm, he got up and rushed to his window. Quickly he yanked it open, staring transfixed at the burning paper until so much of it had already crumbled to ash that the heat nibbled at his fingers, charring the fine hairs. 

Just moments before he could seriously hurt himself, he let go and the wind carried his frozen feelings to the sky.

So that was it. That was how quickly he had destroyed his love of three years. And he didn’t want it back.

When a knock came at his door, he winced and quickly closed the window, hoping it smelled more like peach and vanilla than burnt paper.

“Taeyong?”

“Just a minute!”

His fingers reached for the paper and ink on his desk, and he tucked them away in one of the drawers. Then he swept his hand through his hair, smoothed a wrinkle on his shirt - a gesture that calmed his thoughts - and opened the door.

Taeil smiled back at him, sniffing.

“You didn’t throw that thing away?”

Taeyong crossed his arms, leaned on the door frame.

“Repels moths from my room,” he flatly retorted.

“Not just moths.” Taeil stepped uneasily from one foot to the other. Taeyong’s gaze examined him from top to bottom before he joined Taeil in the hallway and closed the door behind him. Closing the room where the stench of burnt feelings hung heavy in the air, making it hard for him to breathe.

“Did something happen?” Taeyong asked.

Taeil grimaced. Then he wordlessly grabbed Taeyong by the sleeve and dragged him toward the living room.

“Mark needs our help. He had a little ... accident.”

Taeyong stumbled after him, a sinking feeling in his stomach. Whether it was from Mark’s accident or the hole in his heart - he couldn’t tell.

They stepped into the living room and it happened naturally. As it always did. Taeyong’s body reacted all by itself as the familiar smell wrapped around him, like a warm blanket in front of a campfire where you were making marshmallows.

Within his next heartbeat, his eyes darted to the tall man, smiling at him. The man his heart had just said goodbye to. 

Their eyes met.

And for the second time today, Taeyong’s heart was in flames.

**Author's Note:**

> I had an emotional moment and needed to capture it. I'm also thinking about turning it into a somewhat longer story. Thanks for reading and I'm happy if you like it!


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